Friday, August 3, 2012


This talk was not what I was expecting. Dr. Lane came in and told me what was wrong and how we were going to fix it. Yikes. I was NOT prepared for the words "open heart surgery"...there must be some mistake. Just the other day, I was fine. Just a million other days (ok, not a million), I was fine. She told me that I was born with this, and it's amazing that doctors did not catch this, especially when I had my back surgery. This should have been fixed at least 20 years ago, she said. So, I have to have an open heart surgery, they have to repair my mitral valve, which is leaking, and patch the hole. So far, they think they can use my pericardial tissue to patch the hole, and sew a ring around my mitral valve. If they can't use the ring, they will use a bovine tissue...I hope they can just sew a ring around it. I pray that this will have such a positive outcome that I won't be faced with more surgeries, or worries that something will happen to me. I'm doing my best to be a good patient, I have never asked "why me", bc that is not fair. Why not me? I'm no better than anyone else to have to go through this. The only question that I asked was, "why now?" Why not earlier before I had kids? That way, my already broken heart didn't have to be hurting worse for not being able to see my kids much. I have to miss their open house for school, their 1st day of school, even their 1st week of school. What mother does that?!?! Mamas were made to be that person who is involved with everything in their children's lives, how in the world can moms make time to be out of commission???? I don't have time, was my main worry. It was a lot to take in, not only for me, but for my equally stunned family. I'm sure David is a nervous wreck. I hate being a burden to him. I hate that this is making him do everything, bc I'm stuck here. I hate that this is draining us of more money, and that this bill is going to be astronomical. I hate that I didn't have time carved out of my beautiful crazy life for this. And most of all, I hate that I'm breaking hearts by trying to repair my own. David and the kids should not have to go through this. I know he can handle it, I just hate that he's kinda become the single parent. My kids are not understanding why I can't come home with them. Rianna needs her mama. My Gage needs his mama, he is my baby boy. Most of all, I need all 3 of them. They are the hearts that live outside of my body, the ones that keep me alive more than the one inside of me. I have taken advantage of what I was given. When I get out of here, I won't take advantage anymore. I miss being at home. I miss Gator, our dog, who drives me batty, but is the sweetest thing ever. I miss my job, my coworkers, and my family. I am ready to get this over with, so that I can go home.

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