Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It's summertime again...

which means that this is the time of year that everyone starts getting back into shape.  For me, it means the same, but it also means that we're coming up on 2 years since my surgery.

I constantly switch gears on my feelings towards the way we dress in summer.  I can't wear a turtleneck or scarf in summer, so with my current wardrobe, I have to show my scar a lot.  It's not pretty.  I put coconut oil on it every night before bed, and sometimes the next morning after my shower.  I don't have a bathing suit that can cover it up, so I basically have no choice but to show it off.  But I'm trying to make myself get over it.  I mean, it's not a hickey or other embarrassing mark, right?  It's what I had to do to save my life.  Still, when people stare, I want to tell them off.  The other day, I read where one little 3 year old girl's family were told in KFC that they had to leave bc her scars scared other patrons.  If this story is true, and I believe it is, it's unreal how people behave.  I  would've told them off if it were my child.

Also, I've started my exercising again.  Right now, it's only walking around the neighborhood a few miles.  It's tough, the hills are brutal, but I know I have to.  I feel like I'm gonna die!  My heart starts beating really fast (I'm sure all of ours do!), but I feel like I'm gonna pass out anytime.  When I was walking before, I'd feel like that and then just quit.  I would lessen the miles I walk, and obviously, the time that I walked.

I had a revelation yesterday.  I'm not saying I won't worry anymore; I'm not saying that it'll be easy, and I'm not saying that I won't want to quit.  But, yesterday morning, when my alarm went off at 7, I got up and went for my few miles.  I wanted to quit, but David was asleep.  What was I going to do, get around the corner and call him to come get me?!?!  Absolutely not!  I made it back home, and decided that from now on, I'll just let him know where I am.  I'll tell him my path, and if I'm not back in an hour or so, he can call me, and if I don't answer, he'll know I'm in trouble.  I always walk the neighborhood solo, but if I go somewhere else, like Savannah Rapids, I take someone with me.  I also live in a neighborhood where there's always someone around.  If I fall out, someone will see me.

I told myself when I was climbing one of the hellacious hills yesterday that I will take that "mountain".  I will get myself up it, even if I slow down, but I will do it.  I won't be alone, and if I do happen to fall out, I will be ok...I can't go around scared that I will fall out, and I can't (not) exercise, or else my heart will fail anyway.  The heart has to be worked.  It has to be exercised so that it can be healthy and pump like it should.  If I continue exercising, I will not only lose the weight that I want to lose, but I will build my heart's strength back up.  I will not let that surgery, the money, the worry I put on my kids' faces, and time be all in vain.

I am not a sedentary person anyway.  I don't just sit down all the time.  I work, and at work, I do my best to work hard.  I go get carts when I have to.  I walk around that store all day long.  I don't mind doing it.  I know that the work I do is not an intense workout, but I do move...

So, basically, I told myself that I will have times where I want to quit.  I'll have times where I'll feel like I'm dying.  I will do my best to be brave and I know that there will be times when I don't want to be brave anymore.  But how can I live like that?  All I can do is try.  I have to make it work.  And that is why right now, I have a sore booty!  The hills and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love that they work my booty and legs, but I hate the climb!