Thursday, July 18, 2013

"When fear knocks, let faith open the door"

Tonight, on the ESPYs, Robin Roberts said this.  Everyone probably knows who she is, so I won't explain.  She is so brave and awesome.  I wish I had the ability to inspire others the ways she does.  I think that she's absolutely right in what she said, but I wonder if she's ever had any moments of doubt?  Doubt about her body's ability to work when manipulated to do so...setbacks, or possible setbacks...days where she just thought it would be easier to just throw in the towel???  I'm sure she has...I think we all do.

The reason I'm doing so much wondering (instead of sleeping since it IS 334am), is because I have such moments where I feel like any day is going to be that day...what makes me ponder this?  Well, pains, flutterings, discomforts, too much time on my hands (I don't know!!)... I never worried about this stuff before.  But when I experience these feelings, I worry for a while afterwards that this is it.  I HATE thinking this way...hate it.  I don't think we should walk around worrying constantly if this is our moment to die.  That's no way to live.  I can't really voice these feelings to my loved ones, can I? I'd either get the reassuring "no honey, you're fine" speech, the crazy look, or fear out of my children if they overhear me.  Since this heart thing last year, I feel so vulnerable to everything.  When my chest hurts for a moment, I wonder if its a heart attack.  But I didn't have a heart attack, you say.  I know that, but fear takes over.  If I feel flutters, I think, "oh no, I'm gonna have a VTAC", and anyone who's ever had those know that they can make you feel paralyzed, which equals helplessness.

So I have to keep the faith, I know.  I have to keep telling myself that it's ultimately not up to me when it'll be my time to go.  Worrying will accomplish nothing.  I have to live my life.

I want to let everyone know that my friend's baby is doing well.  Getting bigger and stronger, and he's adorable!
Also, I was very sad to hear of Talia Castellano's passing.  She's the little girl who was battling cancer.  She was 13, a very beautiful girl, and honorary Cover Girl.  Since she had no hair, she did a lot with her makeup.  Her makeup was always beautiful.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to keep telling myself that it'll be ok...I hope I can push through all of this negativity that's plaguing me, and learn to appreciate my life.  I'm grateful, of course, because I have a great husband and kids, but I've gotta give it all up to faith.  It's just taking time...(sneaking up on a year) :)