Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It's summertime again...

which means that this is the time of year that everyone starts getting back into shape.  For me, it means the same, but it also means that we're coming up on 2 years since my surgery.

I constantly switch gears on my feelings towards the way we dress in summer.  I can't wear a turtleneck or scarf in summer, so with my current wardrobe, I have to show my scar a lot.  It's not pretty.  I put coconut oil on it every night before bed, and sometimes the next morning after my shower.  I don't have a bathing suit that can cover it up, so I basically have no choice but to show it off.  But I'm trying to make myself get over it.  I mean, it's not a hickey or other embarrassing mark, right?  It's what I had to do to save my life.  Still, when people stare, I want to tell them off.  The other day, I read where one little 3 year old girl's family were told in KFC that they had to leave bc her scars scared other patrons.  If this story is true, and I believe it is, it's unreal how people behave.  I  would've told them off if it were my child.

Also, I've started my exercising again.  Right now, it's only walking around the neighborhood a few miles.  It's tough, the hills are brutal, but I know I have to.  I feel like I'm gonna die!  My heart starts beating really fast (I'm sure all of ours do!), but I feel like I'm gonna pass out anytime.  When I was walking before, I'd feel like that and then just quit.  I would lessen the miles I walk, and obviously, the time that I walked.

I had a revelation yesterday.  I'm not saying I won't worry anymore; I'm not saying that it'll be easy, and I'm not saying that I won't want to quit.  But, yesterday morning, when my alarm went off at 7, I got up and went for my few miles.  I wanted to quit, but David was asleep.  What was I going to do, get around the corner and call him to come get me?!?!  Absolutely not!  I made it back home, and decided that from now on, I'll just let him know where I am.  I'll tell him my path, and if I'm not back in an hour or so, he can call me, and if I don't answer, he'll know I'm in trouble.  I always walk the neighborhood solo, but if I go somewhere else, like Savannah Rapids, I take someone with me.  I also live in a neighborhood where there's always someone around.  If I fall out, someone will see me.

I told myself when I was climbing one of the hellacious hills yesterday that I will take that "mountain".  I will get myself up it, even if I slow down, but I will do it.  I won't be alone, and if I do happen to fall out, I will be ok...I can't go around scared that I will fall out, and I can't (not) exercise, or else my heart will fail anyway.  The heart has to be worked.  It has to be exercised so that it can be healthy and pump like it should.  If I continue exercising, I will not only lose the weight that I want to lose, but I will build my heart's strength back up.  I will not let that surgery, the money, the worry I put on my kids' faces, and time be all in vain.

I am not a sedentary person anyway.  I don't just sit down all the time.  I work, and at work, I do my best to work hard.  I go get carts when I have to.  I walk around that store all day long.  I don't mind doing it.  I know that the work I do is not an intense workout, but I do move...

So, basically, I told myself that I will have times where I want to quit.  I'll have times where I'll feel like I'm dying.  I will do my best to be brave and I know that there will be times when I don't want to be brave anymore.  But how can I live like that?  All I can do is try.  I have to make it work.  And that is why right now, I have a sore booty!  The hills and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love that they work my booty and legs, but I hate the climb!

Monday, May 12, 2014

EKG done...

Because of the PVCs and anxiety feelings, I called Dr. Lane's office and finally got in.
I went in for an EKG and she said that everything was fine.  So I may have been freaking out for nothing.

There's really nothing else to update about, so I'll keep this short.  Yesterday was Mother's Day, and although I had to work, it was a great day.  Any day that I get to spend with my husband and babies is a good day.  So I had a good day...I hope that all other moms had a great day too.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Misunderstood? Under-appreciated?

There's a customer that comes in my store.  I'd say he's in his 50s, at the most.  He was in a car accident last year, and got hurt pretty badly.  I'm not sure of all the details, but he walks with a cane, and has a hard time getting around now.  I help him out a lot, even if he has just a couple of bags.  If I can't, I get someone else to help.  He came up to me the other day, and asked if I felt under-appreciated since this whole heart thing happened.  He was having an off day, and felt that way.  I told him that I really haven't felt unappreciated, but I feel misunderstood at times.  I don't think that people understand what I've gone through unless they've gone through it themselves.  I know that I have to be in better shape.  I know that it'll be good for my heart.  But for the past 3 days, I just can't get it together.  I've had PVCs, my heart rate has gone up to 102, I've had anxiety (for no reason that I know of), and I'm so tired.  I work a lot, not overworked...it's only 40 hrs, just like normal jobs.  I haven't been able to make myself go workout before or after work.  I feel that my job is such a workout at times, that I can't push myself to do more.  I know that my job isn't a strenuous workout, but some days, I feel like I'm put through the ringer.  

I love David, and I know that he pushes me to be better, for different reasons.  He wants me healthy so that I can be here for our kids.  I feel that he doesn't understand how tired I am at times.  I want to be better, but some days, I feel that it's hard to do extra...

That being said, I will do better.  I'm going to do it.  Even when I feel like I can't, I'm gonna have to push myself.  I can't overdo it, but I have to try to get it together.  I'll keep y'all updated on how that goes.  I'll be calling Dr. Lane tomorrow, anyway, just to give her a heads up on what's been going on this weekend.  Maybe she'll have suggestions to help me cope with this better.

Hopefully, everyone had a good Easter.  

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

I have a funny feeling...

Remember when Dr. Lane said that I will have to have mitral valve repair again; we're just not sure when?  Well, I'm wondering if I'll have it sooner than we all thought.  The reason is because I've been feeling different lately.  For instance, I never get tired at work.  I mean, I get sorta tired, because I'm up early every day, but I don't get so tired that I'm ready to leave less than halfway in my shift.  Last Sunday, my schedule was 7-3.  When I'm scheduled 7-3, I usually leave around 4 or later.  But last Sun, I practically ran out the door at 3 on the dot.  I could barely walk straight, I swear.  I was counting down the hours til time to leave.  I felt irritable too.  And it actually lasted all week.  Not the irritability, but the fatigue.  Also, I've been having pains and discomforts in my chest.  I can't describe them.  Not like I'm having a heart attack or something, but it's just hard to describe.  

Ugh, I hate this feeling...I hate having no control, and I don't want to feel like a hypochondriac.  I really just want this to go away.

Ok, just wanted to get that out.  I need to go to bed now...I'll call Dr. Lane's office tomorrow and update here if needed.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Nothing much to say

But, I figured I should at least say something.  Last night, kinda late, and early this morning, I felt flutters, aka PVCs.  I think drinking 2 glasses of tea last night at dinner was the culprit.  So I pretty much laid around the house today, until I had to go get groceries.  I don't see Dr. Lane until summer, so I hope nothing else goes on.  Yesterday, I walked over 4 miles at Savannah Rapids.  Maybe I overdid it, but I don't know.  I felt the workout, but I wasn't super tired or even out of breath afterwards, so I really don't think it was because of that.  Anyway, I was proud of myself for doing it, so I'll have to lay off the caffeine to lessen the PVCs.

Until next time...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Heart Walk 2014

The heart walk will be on March 8th.  This year, I'm not forming a team.  Last year was a headache, bc people ordered shirts and never paid for them.  Still haven't paid for them.  I paid a lot out of pocket for those that didn't.  So I decided that instead of putting so much effort into tshirts, I'll just try to fund raise a little.

Also, Go Red For Women is Feb 7th, so everyone, make sure you wear your red.  Heart disease is the #1 killer in women, and we need to bring awareness to it.

Not much else to say, so I'll leave it at that.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Appt yesterday...

I was supposed to go last week to see Dr. Lane, but they called and had to reschedule me. 

Dr. Lane said that everything looks pretty good.  She went over my Echo with me.  She said that the repair looks so good, that you can't tell it's patched, unless you knew beforehand.  My mitral valve is leaking though-still or again-I'm not sure.  Dr. Lane said that it's not uncommon for that to happen, especially since mine was repaired using my own valve.  Dr. Hunter had to sew the leaflets together.  Other options would have been mechanical or bovine, neither of which seemed appealing.  Either way, we always knew that there could be possibilities of MV repair not working, or not lasting.  Mechanical valves sometimes have to be replaced, and those that have mechanical valves have to be on Coumadin or other blood thinners for life.  With bovine, I think there's always the chance of having to replace them too, bc they wear out.  

Something else Dr. Lane touched on was whether or not we were having more children.  Last time, she said that if we decided to, I should be in good shape to go through pregnancy, especially since I've done it twice before.  But...yesterday, she said it's a good idea if we don't try to have more children.  It's sad, knowing that it's so life-threatening if I want to get pregnant again.  It was extremely life-threatening when I was pregnant with Rianna and Gage, but not knowing about my heart thing, I didn't have that to worry about.  Thankfully, I have my 2 babies and we don't want any more.  

Yesterday's appointment was supposed to be my release appt.  I was supposed to be released for a year if everything went well.  Instead, I have to go back in 8 months, and after that, we will schedule another Echo.  She did say that my heart is decreasing in size (no wise cracks!), so that is good.

I think that is about everything we discussed.  I'm definitely feeling sadder than I was before my appt.  I hope I don't get into a depression.  I'm already upset over all this, not just from what I learned yesterday, but from becoming a heart patient, period.  I know my life was basically saved and extended, but I feel that I am susceptible to everything that can happen with a person's heart.  Every little thing now gets to me.  I wonder if this condition of the heart, or this disease, is going to "get me".  The feelings are so hard to turn off in my head.  David always tells me I'm ok.  I just can't convince myself that I'll be ok.  


Well, I don't think I have any more updates, or complaints, so I'll update next time I do...or the next time I need to let out my feelings.